you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
