I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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