she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
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I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.