Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.