Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
