bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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