I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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