well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
