I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
