If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
