what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
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update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
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It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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