That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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