Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
