Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
