her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
