How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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