Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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