my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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