a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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