You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
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Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
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If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
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