Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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