I could have mohawked her pubes.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
