I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
