the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
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it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
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I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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