Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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