Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
did you just send me my own nude
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
