is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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