Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I want her autograph on my taint
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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