I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
