Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
