I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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