cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
