I bet he comes in French.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
