does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
