I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
