the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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