Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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