I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
