How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
