Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My liver just broke up with me...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
