Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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