Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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