end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
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I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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