Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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