Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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