I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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