Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
