nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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