using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize