waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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