I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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