He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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