Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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